There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words "I've had enough of this junk... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
new element discovered!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic weight actually increasing after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
actual performance appraisal comments
top 10 reasons for a pentagon assignment
10. You've heard about a $1.2B Pentagon renovation project and believe you will have a nice office to work in.
9. You've heard that a certain Monica Lewinski, who has unique talents, works there, and you'd like to meet her.
8. You believe commuting should be an Olympic sport and want to get the maximum possible training prior to Sydney's 2000 Summer Games.
7. You don't mind paying $225,000 for a $70,000 house or paying $1500 a month for an efficiency apartment.
6. You don't think a twenty minute walk to work is too bad! (from the North Parking lot after the 90 minute drive from your home 17 miles away.)
5. You want to hone your post retirement skills such as typing your own work, taking phone messages, making coffee, and learning how to clear paper jams from a variety of different copying machines.
4. You like working half-days (0600-1800).
3. You really believe it when told "This assignment will be good for your career! You need the experience and visibility." (You are also the kind of person who believes the IG when he says "We're here to help you." or the Dentist when he/she says "This won'thurt much").
2. You truly admire the "mother of all bureaucracies" and want to be a part of it.
1. You want to play a key role in the continuing DoD DOWNSIZING process so you can spare your own job from elimination.
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