INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili



One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"



One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear,when he asked,"Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"



The Horror of the Blimp

By SCYLLA

Last weekend, while traveling, I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth. It's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio- controlled indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60- $75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither, rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly it.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp, which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of its noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress - not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan, which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence, breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp, which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk-in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 a.m. my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 a.m.

I can order replacement balloons on the Internet, but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.



THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE



Peace in Middle Earth in our time

By - Domenico Bettinelli, Jr. (www.bettnet.com)

MINAS TIRITH (Gondor News Network) - Thousands of peace activists took to the streets of Minas Tirith and other cities of Middle Earth today to protest what they termed a rush to war with Mordor.

"We need more time for diplomacy," said a key member of the Middle-Earth Security Council, Saruman the White. "I am not convinced by the evidence presented by my esteemed colleague, Gandalf the Grey, or that the Dark Lord Sauron presents an imminent danger to the peoples of the West."

Many of the people protesting war in Mordor agreed with Saruman's remarks. "Sauron says he's destroyed his Rings of Mass Destruction (RMD) and that's good enough for me," said one fellow carrying a sign that said "Elrond is a Balrog." Another demonstrator urged, "Give the RMD inspectors more time. There's no reason to rush to any judgment just because Mount Doom is belching lava, the Dark Tower is rebuilt, and Osgiliath has been decimated." A third protester piped up, "I haven't heard a single bit of convincing evidence connecting the Nazgul with Sauron. I think they destroyed Osgiliath on their own initiative without any support from Sauron. Besides, it's understandable they're angry with Gondor. We haven't done nearly as much for the Orcs and Goblins and Easterlings as the Nazgul and Sauron have. It's understandable they throw their support to them. It's our own fault really."

As the protesters continued their march through the city, they chanted, "No blood for Mount Doom," voicing a common sentiment that the leaders of the Western peoples are really seeking to get their hands on the powerful Mount Doom, where the One Ring of Power was allegedly forged.

Gandalf the Grey was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said he was in an undisclosed underground location, which sources have revealed is codenamed: Moria.



FINAL CONFESSION.......

A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.

Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything... the full truth.

"Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you got it back with a big raise?"

He slowly nods understandingly.

Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the Inland Revenue was going to do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"

He again weakly nods in understanding.

Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me."

Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time."

"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."

"Ok... but only because you insist, dear," she stammers.

"Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"

"Oh yes... I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY, he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN... and I won by 45 votes !!"





POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED



Revised Miranda Rights

The Miranda Rights For Folks in the Backwoods

  1. You have the right to remain motionless, boy.
  2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour your butt.
  3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
  4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride whereupon catching you he will devour your butt.
  5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
  6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!

The Miranda Rights For Urban Dwellers

  1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to a butt-kicking.
  2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the butt-kicking.
  3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Some Cops Would Really Like To Read Them.....

  1. No, I don't care who you are.
  2. No, I don't care who you know.
  3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
  4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
  5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
  6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
  7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).
  8. No, I can't give you a break.
  9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.
  10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
  11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
  12. No, we can't talk about it.
  13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
  14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SPRINGFIELD, MO IF. . .

  1. You use garage sale money to pay the mortgage.
  2. You watch KY3 news to see what today's lake levels are.
  3. You're a grandmother at 30.
  4. Your idea of a real vacation is a week in Branson.
  5. You think of international travel as crossing the state line into Arkansas.
  6. Your plural possessive is "yer guys'es."
  7. You think John Ashcroft is a little too liberal.
  8. You had to rent a backhoe to plant a tree in your backyard.
  9. You're proud that the Park Days celebration is still going strong after all these years.
  10. You know who Aunt Norma is.
  11. You can look at the statue of John Q. Hammons and still believe it was paid for by his friends.
  12. You own a complete set of Ozark Mountain Daredevils albums.
  13. You boasted that the Feeney trial was on Court TV.
  14. You can't remember if the Square is opened or closed.
  15. You know that "Spoon Ball" is not a child's relay race.
  16. You think Woody and Janet are real people.
  17. You have a hard time deciding whether to eat breakfast at Anton's or at Aunt Martha's Pancake House.
  18. You read Springfield! magazine from cover to cover.
  19. You worked at Zenith.
  20. You won't buy your boots anywhere but PFI, and I'm not kiddin'.
  21. You are considered THE authority to consult about which artwork to place behind the gun rack on the rear window of a friend's pickup.
  22. You know the people who built Brad Pitt's childhood home.
  23. You can identify John Goodman a distinguished SMSU graduate.
  24. You can remember when the Drury campus was called "Forty acres of Christian atmosphere."
  25. You don't think of a California city when you hear someone say "Frisco."
  26. You can call your hometown The Queen City of the Ozarks Empire without a trace of irony.
  27. You think people from "Nixie" talk funny.
  28. Your idea of a traffic jam is waiting through more than one cycle at the Battlefield/Glenstone intersection.
  29. You still miss the Venture store.
  30. Your date took you to dinner at a drive-through restaurant on Prom Night.
  31. You plan your vacation around the Fall Hunting Classic at Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World.
  32. You always take out of town guests on a tour of Exotic Animal Paradise.
  33. You've worked at a fireworks stand.
  34. You consider a turn signal on a car to be optional equipment.
  35. You can recount in great detail the various scandals involving former Channel 10 newscasters.
  36. You picketed to protest the Airport Board's decision to change the facility's name to Springfield-Branson Regional Airport.
  37. You regard Nixa, Ozark, and Republic as the 'burbs.
  38. You live next door to the bumblebee guy in the Lipscomb Motors' commercial.
  39. You remember when SMSU was called State Teacher's College.
  40. You buy your car parts at the I-44 swap meet.
  41. You entered your paint-by-number still life in the fine art category at the fair and won.
  42. You believe OTC should be designated a university.
  43. You wonder whether Hammons Tower was designed by a licensed architect.
  44. You consider a meal at any all-you-can-eat restaurant to be a fine dining experience.
  45. You read the News Leader as though it were a real newspaper.
  46. You regard the Blue Vatican on north Boonville as a holy shrine.
  47. You miss Accu-Fred Miller's weather reports.
  48. You eat Springfield Cashew Chicken because you believe MSG is one of the major food groups.
  49. You regard Andy Williams as a cultural icon.
  50. You can correctly pronounce Kimbrough and Kearney.
  51. You think red means stop, green means go, and yellow means hit the accelerator hard.
  52. You have actually sat through an entire SMSU football game.
  53. You almost made it from Springfield to Republic in one minute at 360 miles an hour.
  54. You don't just go shopping, you go to Ba'lfeel Mall.
  55. You used to live on M highway.
  56. You appeared on camera at the the Channel 21 auction.
  57. You will drive out-of-town to eat dinner at a restaurant where the waiters throw food at the customers.


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MISSOURI IF:



You might be a Coloradoan if...

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You know you live in Wyoming if...



HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of iNSaNiTy .... AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE:



How traditions get started

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows there. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"


Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Preparing for Ski Season

If you ski, or have a loved one who does, ski season is almost here! Hence, the following is a list of exercises to prepare:

  1. Fasten a small, wide rubberband around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  2. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  3. Throw a hundred dollar bill away right now.
  4. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  5. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  6. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  7. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  8. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  9. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  10. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  11. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
  12. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  13. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!



Dog Resolutions for the new year



Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became known as Noe Schitt Scherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son - Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them and ask if they are related to any of the above.