SOMETHING TO OFFEND DANG-NEAR EVERYBODY
- What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
- What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
- Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
- What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
- How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
- What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Bubba Claus
Dear Sir:
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE-NECKS"?
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don't know what a moon pie is.
- You've never had an RC cola.
- You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don't have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
- You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
- You don't know what applique is.
- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
- You've never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
RED-NECK LOVE POEM
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yo're hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
P>You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yo're arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what
I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt .
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuthin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yo're age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
Advice for Yankees Moving South
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
- If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
- Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
- If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
Why computers are causing confusion in the south...
- LOG ON: Making the stove hotter.
- LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
- MONITOR: Keepin and eye on the wood stove.
- DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood offen the truck.
- MEGA HERTZ: What yer head feels like after 17 beers.
- FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha get from carryin to much farwood.
- RAM: That thang that splits the farwood.
- HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
- WINDOWS: What to shut when its cold outside.
- SCREEN: What to shut when its black fly season.
- BYTE: What them black flies do.
- CHIP: Munchies for the TV.
- MICRO CHIP: What's left in the munchies bag.
- MODEM: What I did to the hay fields.
- DOT MATRIX: Old man Matrix's wife.
- LAP TOP: Whar the cat sits.
- KEYBOARD: Whar the keys to the John Deere is kept.
- SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic knives and forks.
- MOUSE: What eats the grain.
- MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf;
- PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
- ENTER: Northerner talk for "Come on in, y'all."
- MOUSE PAD: Hippie talk for rat hole.
- BAR CODE: Them's the rules for fightin down at the local tavern.
- BUG: The reason you give for callin in sick.
- CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
- TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
- CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
- DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
- DISKETTE: Female Disco dancer.
- FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
- HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smokin.
- HARD COPY: Pictures you look at when selectin tattoos.
- INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
- MAC: Bubba's favorite fast food.
- NETWORK: Scoopin up the big fish afore it breaks the line.
- ON LINE: Where to stay when taking a sobriety test.
- SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
- SUPER CONDUCTOR: Amtrak's employee of the year.
